Pooky is here, Where is Garfield?

Friday, January 30, 2004

Well right on cue mum rang. Don't get me wrong I love my mum and would anything for her, but I wish she would back off a little.

Today's convo was about my father. Whether I wanted legal documents or letters to and from him. Why the hell would I. I can't have any feeling for someone that I don't know. I have not seen him since I was 4 and a half. Her comment was that she thought that I may like to keep them since I am going through the same thing with my ex.

In some respects I have turned out just like my mother. The older man that never grew up and took resposability. Both were abusive in their own ways. Both were social "rejects" so to speak.

I am scared that I will turn out more like her and be alone for the rest of my time on this planet. That is what she has done. Apart from a fling every so often.

I was then thinking are all my fears making them all come true. I had a fear of becoming a single mum, but somehow I chose a person that did that too me. Well I did it cause I kicked him out, but you kinda know what I mean. My fear of being alone. I automatically do things to destroy good things and end up alone. Maybe I should fear good things so that happen more often. lol

The other issue that my sister and I talked about was where in society do we all fit in. I feel "lost" in that respect. I live in housing trust. But according to my other housing trust "mates" I don't fit in cause I want to improve myself. Thus calling me a snobb. Is it so bad that I do not want to sit at home all the time and smoke dope and get pissed every weekend. Is it wrong that I want nice stuff in my house so that I am not embarrased when other people come to visit. If I can save up and get nice new stuff instead of second hand stuff that may not last the distance why am I such a snobb.

But then I go into the other part of society. I am lower class there. I was so embarrased one time cause I went out for dinner with someone to ritzy part of adelaide and I had to ask to translate food into english. There were all these fancy names for food and it was a forigen lanague to me. It was then I knew I did not fit in there.

So I don't fit into housing trust cause I am snobb, and I don't fit into upper society cause I am not that type.

I like things nice and simple. Keeping the simple rules of life.

1. Take care of home issues - look after family.
2. Respect others and they will respect you.
3. Treat others the way that you to be treated.
4. Encourage people to follow thier dreams and passions as they may help you out to follow yours.
5. Calmer will always get you, whether it be bad or good.
6. Honesty, Loyalty, Respect will take you a long way.

These are the things I think of in everyday life. Nothing major. I know that I am not a smart cookie, but I think these rules in life make me smarter than some that are book smart. It is good to be book smart. Gets you better jobs and then you can move up the social circle. But what good is it if you don't have some life smarts.

People say that we should follow the bible. The 10 commandments. But the bible is kinda outdated with todays society in some respects. I had this debate with some people that came to my door. They turned around and told me I had the devil in me cause I did not believe what they bible says.

I mean the bible says "eye for and eye, tooth for a tooth." Does our legal system really do that? I think not. I go out and kill someone just because I have PMT and I can go to Glenside for 3 months then go walking the streets. Hell I could even use most the excuses that others use. Broken home and abused.

I don't knock people for having thier beliefs. But I don't like it when people knock mine. The "main" belief is that there is only 1 God. He is there to protect us. He created everything. I like to believe in the Wiccan belief. That there is many God and Goddess. And the main beleif of mine as there is a little God likeness in us all.

People that follow the bible look up to 1 man. Is that not the same when we find someone that we love and can connect with. We look up to that person. We sort of follow what that person may say or do. And that loved one makes us cry, laugh, feel warm fuzzys etc. Is that not the same thing. We may not say to the person that we love that they are God, but we kinda treat them like one. When God died millions cried. We do the same when a loved one does too. Why is it that we have to beleive in the "popular" God? When the most important God/s are in our selves and home.

I look at friends and loved ones for many reasons. Insperation, reassurance, happiest, strength, and many other things. It does not matter about where they come from, what they have done in the past, where they sit in the social circle, etc. I look at the person in front of me and see how they treat others and myself. I don't care about the person that was the past, I care about the person that is the now. We have all done things in the past that we are not proud of. Whether it be legally or morally. But we also must remeber if someone tells us the past what their situation was at the time.

Morally it was not right to "con" my ex out and "con" him about sole custody of my Angel. I should have been up front and said I hate you, I want you out, and sign the piece of paper cause I do not trust you or you family with my Angel. But to say that it would have probably got me not very far. More broken furniture, a thumping, him not leaving, and not signing the piece of paper so I would always be worried that him or his family could take my Angel away. I have been honest and told people this is what I did and why. And they run cause they think I may do it with them. Not the case at all. They are different people and I never treat people the same. Every person is different.

When I meet people I am honest and I say what I am. A single mother in housing trust. I hope that I will not be a single mother for the rest of my life. But I know that I will not be in housing trust for the rest of my life. This is just a stepping stone in the path of life.

It is amazing how many people will run as soon as I say those things. I go from one box to another very quickly. My ex's parents put me in a box very quickly. They did not want their son to be partnered or friends with anyone that came from a single parent family as they would use him to get at thier money. I couldn't give a toss if they had money. I never asked 1 cent off them. I got the blame for the money that ex asked off them. He did that on the sneaky. It is funny how his son has "created" 3 single mums.

Just because a person has money does not mean they are better than the rest of us. How many people that you know with money are complete shits. But the ones without are the ones that will stand by you no matter what. My family has had money, houses, cars and all that jazz. And we have gone to the other way too. That is life. Money comes and goes. But the person inside remains the same. If you were a shit when you had money you are going to be bigger shit without.

Ah enough of my ramblings and thoughts for one day.

Never forget who the person is inside before you pass judgement

ttfn

Yesterday was one of those weird days. Apart from getting up at 5.30am. Kids you gotta love them for stuffed sleep patterns. lol

Spoilt my Angel rotten. Bought him new book, 2 dvd's, haircut (he hated), chicken burger (always a way of softening a man's heart). I have been feeling like a rotten mother the last two weeks, so tried to spoil him to make it a little better for him. Just to let him know that mummy still loves him.

When I asked for my hard truths last weekend that was one thing that came up. One guy did not want to stick around cause he thought that I was a hard mother. And if I was like that with my kid, what would I be like with a partner. And he had no worries about pointing out all my faults as a parent.

I sat and talked to my sister till 2am this morning about this issue and many others. I relised why I am so hard on him. I am scared that he will follow on some of the traits that his father has. (In my terms anyone can be a father, but takes special person to be a dad). His father was not very socially acceptable.

He thought it was funny walking into a croweded room and farting. Spitting, farting, burping, throwing tantrums, flopping the old feller out, and every second word was fuck was ok with him. Although he was accepted during cricket season, that was about it. Only one person really stuck around as his friend. Well he is not much better. Friend thinks it is funny when one of his 5 kids runs past him and kicks them. Gawd this was the people I relied on for help with my Angel.

This mates wife used to put the fear of god in me with some things. My Angel was never very affectnate and she told me that what ever affection he had he will loose by the time he is 2. That made me pretty sad. Cause my Angel would show very little affection by that stage. You would not think so now.He is huge cuddle sponge. Not bad considering he is nearly 3.

Angel loves nothing more than to climb into big bed (my bed) and have cuddles. We often do it first thing in morning. He has his breakie and I have my coffee.

My mum on the other hand thinks I let Angel get away with too much and that he is a sook. If people think I am controlling (whick most people do) they have not seen my mother in action.

And there came the root of most of my issues last two weeks. My sister helped me point that out last night/this morning. My mother has always had a nice hold on me and that is because I try and let her ways slide. But for a while they have been getting to me.

And her major topic of my life. My so-called love life. According to her I make things too easy for men and I appear desprate. I should not be so available for these men. Well I do nothing but sit at puter at night. Think they would ask questions if I said I was busy at night. And can't have "woman issues" 365 days of year. lol

As silly as it sounds I used to hide a lot of my "flings" cause I knew that is all they would be from her. And if she rang I would chat for a bit then "hurry" the convo along to get "back to business". Also ment that my "flings" could go home sooner. One guy got upset cause I did not say that he was here when my mum rang up. Mum asked what I was doing and I said watching a movie. He got all upset over that. But was not going to explain everything to a "fling".

With starting work again a few of her comments have also been popping back in my head. Got upset with myself cause I talked to "boss" and he said I made a few mistakes. The comment of "I will only ever be an unemployable single mother just waiting for someone to look after me" came into my head. And a few other comments that some people had been saying too. Her comment was made way back in high school. That was the time she told me it was no use me finishing school.

Mum believes it was only my ex for the reason I think very little of my self most times, but she had a good hand in it. But you can't tell her that cause then I am lying. For many years she used to call me the "goodyear blimp". I do try very hard to block out these comments, but it is hard.

I know I should say something but I am strong believer that you stay by your family no matter what. Even last night she was putting me down a little and having a go at my choice of men. She did my cards and she put it in her terms. What she thinks it all means.

Another reason why I am kinda hard on my Angel. Always try and encourage him to be the best he can be. I don't want him to end up a screw ball like me.

Then sister and I got to talking about her new found love. she said because she sees what I go throught that she says nothing to mum. I told her it was best cause then she has a chance at making things work out.

Other issues also came up about what mum has said to me and it was not pretty.

Then the issue of me chatting to people came up. As my sister said most people think I have balls. But she said that balls are round not square. By this time my morning had caught up with me so brain a little slower than usual. She said that I have not trouble telling people to get stuffed, but not the other stuff. And I drive people away that may get close or be good for me. She went back to her reading that she did for me. My "warning" card.

This was good but as I said to her. How do you open up to someone that was the same. A little closed off. She said that was easy. I start and the ball might get rolling.

There have been many other issues that have been going through my head but almost time for my mum's morning phone call. And will give your eyes a rest on my dribble.

Encourage, Love, Respect and be honest with everyone.

ttfn

xxxooo

Wednesday, January 28, 2004

I am sick to death of people's nasty words. Most people thing it is funny to put me down but I have finally had enough. Last wo weeks it has all I have heard from people's lips.

I know that I am far from perfect, but people don't have to keep reminding me on a contant basis. I was talking to a friend about this stuff yesterday and nearly broke my own rule. (I hate breaking personal rules)

Then today someone said some really nice stuff and nearly broke the rule again. Glad I had to go somewhere else so that I could gather thoughts and not break. This person was someone that I least expected to say it.

I know I asked for the hard truths on the weekend contacting people from the past to sort some stuff out. Only one person from my past had anything nice to day. That is pretty scary.

I always believe it is best to encourge others to do well and help them out where ever I can. But I must be strange or old fashioned cause it seems that is not the thing to do these days.

Glad I will be in hiding over the weekend. Staying away from people. Just going to do what I have to do and that is it from now on. I have truely had enough. And I am sure that Angel is tired of giving me his fav toy when ever "mummy" is sad. At least getting my fridge this weekend so will be happy about that.

Today I was doing some stuff and all I heard was some little comments that people had been saying. Scared that I was going to fuck up. And yep I did fuck up a few times.

Maybe I should stop being so poliet and say something to these people. But in other respects, why waste my breath. They are not going to listen anyway. Why would they listen they think it is funny. They don't see what their jokes can do to someone. So the best thing is to walk away and let them think they have won.But in the long run I win cause they are no longer bring me down.

Well time for Simon Baker.

Choose your words carefully as they may have more of an effect than you relise.

TTFN

xxxoooo

Monday, January 26, 2004

The weekend was kinda interesting. Finding out a lot of things, some I did not want to find out. But hey. Shall start with Friday night. End of Sanity for that day.

Was talking on line to some friends (one supposed). She said something that royally pissed me off and I jumped off line very quick. I did not want to short with other friend so jumped off.

This supposed friend is a 19 year old twit. She claims that she is into domatrix and has guys and girls at click of fingure. Wow actually spoke to one of the "clients" on Friday night. She is apparently getting paid to do this stuff. She went on to say how I really needed a *uck and that she could set me up with someone. Thought would play along with it and she tried hooking me up with 19 y o. She said "It did not matter what I looked like cause all these guys are interested in is a *fuck". Real charming. Then she was trying to set me up with 15 year old boys. Gawd how dumb/despreate do these people really think I am.

( I can here the comment of dictorary again)

Because she annoyed me soo much I decided it was best to jump off line considering in 3 way chat and did not really want to repeat this stuff while in pissed off mood. Now she is on the ignore list. (I love technology for that)

Sat up till 4am playing "killem" games and watching vids of stuff I had taped for over 3 weeks. I really should watch things when I tape them. Ah 3 hours of Nick Baker not a bad thing. lol After that finally watch the final MASH episode.

Saturday was feeling a little annoyed and sad. Was running on caffine by that stage. Saturday night I chatted to some people that I knew would answer some questions that I wanted answered. I did not like some of the responses, but truth hurts sometimes. Lucky a few drinkies helped in the "hurting" thing. lol. Now I know what I need to improve on. Another late one, 4am bed time there too.

Last night was interesting too. Had friend over and all she did was chat to people on my puter. Think there is a reason that most people spend their time behind puter. Cause they can only chat if keyboard in front of them. That was thrilling, but was kinda interesting. Just for the fact was interesting watching some games that people play with others. She has been seeing this guy for a while on casual basis and she was baiting him to say he wanted relationship. Chatted to this sleeze bag before and last thing on his mind is relationship. So that was exciting for me to watch her chat to others. One guy she chatted to earns good money and offered to give him head job if he got her new puter.

I must be doing something wrong cause have a little more self respect than that.

As soon as sleeze bag came on line she ignored the other guy. I was different watching how another female ticks. I am seriously doing something wrong. lol

Talked to one person out of my list and he was crapping on how he did not want relationship with this girl even though she does. Wanted to ask us what we though. His mistake. He did not like the answer we gave him on that one. He thought because she wanted to go to sky show with him and her parents it was getting "serious". Another one that should stay behind puter. Yet another for the ignore list.

Ah then it clicked. Common thing with these two. 24. Have not developed brains yet. lol (sorry to all those 24 yo that have got brains)

Today was veg out day and heard nothing but about Hookies.

Let's be honest here.

If the justice system worked Hookies death could have been prevented. These "wanna be" thugs would be out of the system. But because every day Joe Blow gets this sort of treatment nothing is done. How many other cases are out there of the same nature and nothing has been done about it?

How many of the 15,000 people expected to turn up at Adelaide Oval are really fans of his, or have just jumped on the band wagon. I was involved in 2 cricket clubs for 6 years and not one mention of Hookies ever. These were people that were ment to be die hard cricket fans. If they were playing a game of cricket they would tape the game on the TV. I ran into one person last week and he spoke of Hookies. He said he was going tomorrow to pay his respects as he was honered to play with Hookies a few times. He said that he respected him. There are others out there I know that have meet him off the field and respect him too. And yes they have every right to go. But how many are just jumping on the "morning for Hookies" band wagon.

Hey do you really think Hookies would have been named Ozzy of the year. I think not. He was the bloke that said what was on his mind and was a "real" people person. Jonny Howard does not like people like that. Little wezzle that he is. If his justice system worked all would have been prevented.

If he actually put his "spending" money into the police force or the court system then maybe we would not need the wanna be thugs. Or if he stopped cutting back all the course costs and funding then maybe these people would have been "weeded" out of the system. They do it for the police force, army, navy, and airforce. So why can't they do that for bouncers.

Sure there are a lot of Hookies "true" fans that would love to bounce Jonny's head. But as we all know Johnny only looks after his "rich" mates and the average person can go and get stuffed.

I don't know of one "average" person that is any better off with Johnny's plans. GST, tax cuts (for who??) and every other dam cut he can think of.

Maybe we should put Johnny on trial for Hookies murder.

Friday, January 23, 2004

Yet another quiet and peaceful day. Just the way I like it. Didn't do much today at all. Was going to venture outdoors today but with idiots out and about decided to keep what is left of my sanity and stay in.

Went up the shop and got supplies for tonight. Coffee, milk and chocolate. Noticed one of the regular staff had a hair do done and he told me it costed him $95 for it. Just about fell over when he said that. But it did look nice, but still could not see the $95 worth.

Enjoying being at home (sorta) to work out a few things. Trying to catch up on sleep. Filled up nearly half my book of stuff that I need to sort out and time to convay a few things to a few people.

Worked out that I need to explain a few things a little clearer. Got a feeling there may be a few things that are not that clear and leaving others confused. Or they are getting the wrong idea on things.

I have relised what my set back was. And although I am trying hard not to let ex effect me, something that someone said really left me feeling like somthing you find at bottem of shoes. But worked through that and now all goodish.

Well time to watch playschool.

ttfn

xxxooo

Thursday, January 22, 2004

Today was fairly uneventful. Kept to myself today. Only went out of the house to do shopping.

Woke up in a frustrated mood so thought I would do everyone a favour and keep to myself. And I was tired and very easly ticked off so thought that it would be best to keep away.

The idoit out the back from me got to find out how ticked off I was. He made some smart arse comments so let him have it. I have tired the nice poliet way of saying leave me alone. This time he got it loud and clear.

Since the idiot next to me started noise at 5.30am he got it too. Wants to play noisy arseholes with me, no more miss nice anymore. I have had enough. And since the landlords are going to do nothing time to take matters into my own hands. All the landlords say is ring the cops. Yeh right like they give a stuff too.

Then got bailed up by nieghbour 2 doors up from me complaining about my dog. Complaining it wakes her up in the middle of the night. Strange cause I never hear the dog barking.

Had much needed catch up sleep and feeling a little more human. Head a lot clearer on thinking about things. Was able to have some spare time to write a whole heap of stuff down before Angel got up. Putting things in better prosective.

Had someone trying to set me up with 4 guys tonight. What a joke. Was a good laugh. Otherwise all nice and quiet on the western front.

Well time to do something since going to be up for ages now.

nite nite

ttfn

xxxooo

Wednesday, January 21, 2004

Well what a waste of time this arvo was. Had housing inspection that lasted all of 5 mins. And I did not even get my proper landlord. grrr. And she was 1 hour late.

I suppose bonus part was that I got to think about some things while still mostly awake. Thinking about different aspects of my life. How I can fix some things and where I should stand back from other bits. Some people are not going to be happy with some of the standing back stuff. But if I am going to fix some aspects then that is what I need to do.

Switch off from some people and distance a little from others. There are ripples that are starting and they could turn into big waves. I do not want this to happen.

I have also been trying to pin down why I have been having headaches for the last two weeks. Think I have got to the sorce of it and somehow will fix it all up. Not quiet sure how but I will.

I hate having to watch my p's and q's with some people and I think this is the problem. Because I do. But this is also where the ripple and wave thing comes into it. So figured out the best way is to distance myself a little from some and switch off or change topics with others. I am trying really hard to avoid a possible conflict situation. I will nut it out then all will be good.

Time to go and kill of some civilisations.

Cuddles to you all

xxoo

Well nothing exciting much is happening. My mum got into uni so happy for her about that. Had a few interesting conversations over the past two days.

I love it when people are trying to fish for information. I know what at least one person is fishing for. But without asking directly they are not going to get the answers they want. If people want to know anything at all with me they have to ask me straight out.

I know that some people are fishing for some stuff and they are hoping to trip me up so I will reveal all. I am well aware of this and I will reveal bugger all. One thing that most people try and trip me up on is the emotional side of things.

One person was asking me about an event if it did upset me. Whether it did or didn't is my business, but basically what is done is done. I know her heart was in the right place. She had a slight go at one person for this event. The way that I saw it was that I have not right to say anything about it. What other people do in their lives is none of my business. The only time I will speak up about someone's life is if I can see something that is affecting them badly. But otherwise I have no right to say anything and I keep my mouth shut.

Most people can not understand why I don't speak about the emotional stuff. In some ways I am not sure how to even though sometimes I want to. I am very selective on who and what I tell people. Othertimes I want to say things but it in not really approriate for what ever reason. That is why I write most of my deep thoughts and feelings in my book. I know that my book will not laugh, judge, take pitty, or use it all against me. And when I have finished with the book I burn it so that no-one can ever find it.

I did that mistake once. I wrote down some stuff of when I was a my lowest and the person that found it told me I was being stupid and we had masive argument about it. Person told me it was so childish keeping a book like this. But if it helps me to be at peace and put things into prosective then who cares.

I know it is probably frustration for some people that I do not reveal all. But when the time is right I will drop the guards down and let the special people in my life in to my crazy emotional ways and thoughts.

Monday, January 19, 2004

Today was a nice day. Got to spend time with some nice people. Was great talking to them and having a little laugh to take mind off killer headache.

One person annoyed me today and probably did not like my response much. This person always goes on about the same topics most of the time. One topic I do not like and I do not think he liked it when I said I did not want to talk about it. Ok some of this person's views are justified, but some are just ignorant. Some of his ignorant comments really bug me so thought I would stop this person before it would.

Also I did not want another person that was in our company to be forced to listen to these ignorant comments and maybe see me get a little tacky. And knowing the ignorance of this person they would have said something that should not really be revealed to someone new. Guess some of that protective part of me came out in me too. Just hope I did not over step the mark on that one.

Well time for me to chill out a bit. Shower and watch some vids. Finally watch some stuff I taped 3 weeks ago. lol

Nite nite all

xxxooo

Sunday, January 18, 2004

Today I had a big hard think about stuff (you can stop calling epa about horrid noise. lol). I was trying to figure out why it was I have been so angry and upset.

I relised that I had reverted back to my old self. I am not sure why or what set it off. I know one friend in particular had picked it up. I tried to tell this friend nothing was wrong. I know that this friend did not believe me. But I had no explanation for why I was so angry and upset. I knew this friend would ask me why and I had no answer.

I think this is why Angel has been so naughty as well. Picking up on the vibes that I was angry about something. It is amazing what you can think about at 4am.

I had Angel cuddled up next to me, I was thinking about all the beatiful people in my life and how things were going so well. It was then it hit me like I had just put my fingure in a socket and got a shock.

Things are going so well at the moment that I don't know how to handle it. Things have not gone this well for a very long time. Things were all rossy when Angel was born. It was the happiest time of my life. (scariest too)

But now things are even better, right on track. My Angel is happy, I have a small job and I have excellent people around me. Very patient and understanding people. They ignore my crap most of the time. What more could I want at the moment.

I know there are more things that I want in life. And in time they will come. I have waited this long, I can wait a little longer. But maybe it is a good thing I do not have all the other things that I want at the moment. Could maybe I would not appreciate them as much as I would a little later down the track.

I want the nice house, the nice man, the nice car, I want it all. Call me greedy. lol. I want someone to break the jinx. But while I am being silly and reverting back sometimes, that is not fair on the nice man.

I have been trying so hard not to revert back. Slipping back into past mode. I want to be able to feel comfortable enough to be able to drop the barriers I do hold and not have someone say something harsh. There was someone that said a few things that were very nice. Things that I had not heard in a few years. And as silly as it sounds I did not know what to say. Think he was surprised cause it actually shut me up.

I want to be able to say how I feel in person not just on line. I express to people more than annoyance and other "crazy" stuff. I know that I have a hard and long road ahead of me. But I am going to do all this. I am stubbon little goat and I will succeed.

Here are some more of my songs I like.

Don't let it go away
This feeling has got to stay
Don't let it go away
This feeling has got to stay
And I can't believe, I've had this chance now
Don't let it go away, yeah

New, you're so new
You, you're new
And I never had this taste in the past
New, you're so new

The normal hesitation is gone
And I really gravitate to your will
Are you here to fetch me out?
'Cause I never had this taste in my mouth

Oh, you're not old
And you're not familiar
Recently discovered and I'm learning about you

New, you're so new
You, you're new

And you're consuming me violently
And you're reverence shamelessly tempting me
Who sent this maniac?
'Cause I never had this taste in the past

Oh, you're different, you're different from the former
Like a fresh battery, I'm energized by you

Don't let it go away
This feeling has got to stay
Don't let it go away
This feeling has got to stay
And I can't believe I've had this chance now
Don't let it go away

Why am I so curious
This territory's dangerous
I'll probably end up at the start
I'll be back in line with my ... broken heart

New, you're so new
You, you're new
And I never had this taste in the past

Don't let it go away
This feeling has got to stay
Don't let it go away
This feeling has got to stay
And I can't believe I've had this chance now
Don't let it go away

And I can't believe it
Can't believe it
Can't believe it
Can't believe it
Don't let it go away
This feeling has got to stay
Don't let it go away

You're so new

Run, running all the time
Running to the future
With you right by my side

Me, I'm the one you chose
Out of all the people
You wanted me the most

And I'm so sorry that I've fallen
Help me up, let's keep on running
Don't let me fall out of love

Running, running as fast as we can
Do you think we'll make it?
Do you think we'll make it?
We're running, keep holding my hand
So we don't get separated

Be, be the one I need
Be the one I trust most
Don't stop inspiring me

Sometimes it's hard to keep on running
We work so much to keep it going
Don't make me want to give up

Running, running as fast as we can
I really hope we make it
Do you think we'll make it?
We're running, keep holding my hand
So we don't get separated

Running as fast as we can
I really hope we make it
Do you think we'll make it?
We're running, keep holding my hand
So we don't get separated

The future

Running, running as fast as we can
Do you think we'll make it?
Do you think we'll make it?
We're running, keep holding my hand
So we don't get separated

Running as fast as we can
I really hope we make it
Do you think we'll make it?
We're running, running, keep holding my hand
So we don't get separated

YOU'RE THE WHISPER OF A SUMMER BREEZE
YOU'RE THE KISS THAT PUTS MY SOUL AT EASE
WHAT I'M SAYING IS I'M
IN TO YOU
HERE'S MY STORY, AND THE STORY GOES

YOU GIVE LOVE, YOU GET LOVE AND MORE THAN HEAVEN KNOWS
YOU'RE GONNA SEE
I'M GONNA RUN, I'M GONNA TRY
I'M GONNA TAKE THIS LOVE
RIGHT TO YA
ALL MY HEART, ALL THE JOY
OH BABY, BABY PLEASE

RUSH, RUSH
HURRY, HURRY LOVER, COME TO ME
RUSH, RUSH
I WANNA SEE, I WANNA SEE YA
GET FREE WITH ME
RUSH, RUSH
I CAN FEEL IT, I CAN FEEL YOU ALL THROUGH ME
RUSH, RUSH
OOH WHAT YOU DO TO ME

AND ALL I WANT FROM YOU IS WHAT YOU ARE
AND EVEN IF YOU'RE RIGHT NEXT TO ME
YOU'RE STILL TOO FAR AWAY IF I'M NOT INSIDE YOUR ARMS
I GET DRAMATIC BABY, YES I KNOW
BUT I NEED YOU, I WANT YOU
OOH MAN, I LOVE YOU SO

OOH, OOH

YOU'RE GONNA SEE
I'M GONNA RUN, I'M GONNA TRY
I'M GONNA TAKE THIS LOVE RIGHT TO YA
ALL MY HEART, ALL THE JOY
OOH BABY, BABY PLEASE

{Chorus x 2}

WHEN YOU KISS ME
UP AND DOWN
TURN MY SENSES ALL AROUND
OH BABY, OH BABY

I DON'T KNOW
JUST HOW OR WHY
BUT NO ONE ELSE
HAS TOUCHED ME
SO DEEP, SO DEEP,
SO DEEP INSIDE

YOU'RE GONNA SEE
I'M GONNA RUN
I'M GONNA TRY
I'M GONNA TAKE THIS LOVE RIGHT TO YA

ALL MY HEART, ALL THE JOY
OH BABY, BABY PLEASE

ttfn

xxxooo

Just to prove that I am not an ice queen. Here are a few songs that over the years I have really liked for one reason or another. I will keep adding them to my posts as I find them.

Please don't ask me, what am I thinkin'?
It's about you
And please don't ask me, I never can see you
What can I do?

My first impulse is to run to your side
My heart's not free, and so I must hide
Please don't ask me
What I'm gonna say to you?

I toss and turn, can't sleep at night
It's worryin' me
I go to bed, turn out the light
But your face I see
It only hurts the more I pretend
That we could ever be more than friends
Please don't ask me
Why I'm so in love with you

You could eas'ly make me happy
That I know...
But I try my best to never tell you so, oh-oh-oh
I will sing to you my love songs
And pretend
But I'll keep the secret right down to the end

Please don't ask me why I'm not talkin'
I just can't explain
And please don't ask me, why I go walkin'
Out in the rain

I could not live the lie it would take
To have you near, would be a mistake
Please don't ask me
Why I'm so in love with you

No - please don't ask me

I don’t need no license, to sign on no line,
And I don’t ned no preacher, to tell me you’re mine.
I don’t need no diamonds, I don’t need no new bride,
I just need you baby, to look me in the eye.
I know they have a hard time, and your daddy don’t approve,
But I don’t need your daddy telling us what we should do.

Now there’s a million questions I could ask about our lives,
But I only need one answer to get me through the night.
So I say, baby can you tell me just where we fit in,
I call it love, they call it living in sin.
Is it you and me or just this world we live in,
I say we’re living on love they say we’re living in sin.

Is it right for both our parents, who fight it out most nights,
The pray for God’s forgivness, when they both turn out the lights.
Or wear that ring of diamonds, when your heart is made of stone,
You can talk but still say nothing, you stay together but alone.

Or is it right to hold you, an kiss your lips goodnight,
They say the promise is forever if you sign it on the dotted line.
Baby can you tell me just where we fit in,
I call it love, they call it living in sin.
Is it you and me or just this world we live in,
I say we’re living on love they say we’re living in sin.

Baby can you tell me just where we fit in,
I call it love, they call it living in sin.
Is it you and me or just this world we live in,
I say we’re living on love they say we’re living in sin.
I call it love they call it living in sin,
I don’t know where to begin.
I don’t know where to fit in. Living in sin.

You're my main man
When you call my heart goes sailin'
My feet refuse to touch the ground
When you come around
You're my main man
That's what the neighborhood's been sayin'
Even Mother knows your name
I'll take your love and never be the same

CHORUS:
Oh, you're my main man
I am your only woman
Oh you're my main man
Forever

You're my main man
Paid the gypsy to keep prayin'
I'll keep a candle lit for love
And watch the street
For you from up above

Chorus

You're my main man
When you call my heart goes sailin'
I'll keep a candle lit for love
And watch the street
For you from up above

Chorus

As I find more that I like I will post them up

ttfn

oooxxx

Most of you probably think that I am strange about the jinx on "V" Day. I used to be all for it once.

Just before my Angel was born I set up a nice night for us to celebrate. Thought I would give our relationship one last shot. I knew I had mainly lost it in the December before. But I thought I would try.

I cooked his favorite meal (even though it made me feel sick afterwards), got his favorite drink, put on some nice music, candles and wore something nice. Thought I would surprise him when he got home from cricket. Well it was me that got the surprise. He rocked up home with his cricket mates. Then told me how he and the boys were going out for a stripper night.

I quickly got changed into something less appealing to everyone in the room and asked the guys to wait down stairs. It was the only time I got so angry that I threw something at him. He turned around and said that I was being dumb, hormanal and romance was for losers. I had full can of drink in my hand and threw it so hard I put a hole in the wall. The fact that I got that angry with someone scared me. I never want to do that again. It was the first time for a very long time that I said I hated someone. For me that is a very strong word. If I look someone in the eyes and tell them I hate them that means basically it is over.

In 10 minutes he had managed to bring out the worst in me. He proceded to go out on his stripper night and expected a bit when he got home. Rude shock to him that I could lock the door from the inside.

The next year we spent it in seprate rooms. I played puter games and he watched foxtel. We never did anything about that so called special day ever again.

The following year was great. Single once again. I had a person get semi close but put a definate stop to that. Pushed him right away. So far away that I never saw him again.

This year I don't have to worry about pushing anyone away. Yep as crazy as it sounds would do it again.

I figure if you love someone then you should be able to say and do things all year round, not just once a year.

There you have it. I am a friut loop.

Well Angel wants to jump into bed with me so time for me to get some sleepies.

Nite nite all

xxxooo

Saturday, January 17, 2004

Relised today how brainless I have been of late. Locked myself out of the house two days in a row. Gawd.

Hopefully do not do that this week. Planned busy week ahead so don't want to be jumping in and out of my house cause I forgot to put spare keys in my bag. Can not find other normal set. That will teach me for going on clean rampage. Cleaned up so well can't find stuff. grrrr

Got my first "v" day email. ahhhh. Time for the jinx again. Never call it by its real name so as though I do not pass my jinx onto innocent people. lol. Think the jinx started when I was 16. lol

At least my cheap enterainment is back. Give me something to do tonight. Joy. He went away for a week and now he is back and ready to do his web cam thingy again. Yeppie. Lucky me. Figure do that, have a laugh then go and watch the guardian and catch up with some emails.

What an exciting life I lead. lol.

Downloaded a few games to play today and well that was 1 hour I will never get back. Went to play them and puter had complete hissy.

Think someone has sprung me going into "hiding" on ICQ. If it was not the fact I talk to 3 people on there would ditch it totally. Tried to ignore this twit a few times and he keeps changing his nic and number. Some people just do not understand the word no. Ah well that is life I guess. Maybe should change mine and watch the feeding frenzy begin again. lol

Time to go and watch Thomas the Tank.

All have fun tonight.

TTFN

XXXOOOO

Friday, January 16, 2004

Today was a great day. Apart from locking myself out of the house (again). Breaking into my house is becomming a nice art form now.

Had a phone call from someone that I have not caught up with since mid December. Was nice to spend the day with her. Angel and I got a bit sunburnt walking to her house, but all good stuff. It is always nice to talk to people about other stuff than the same old.

Something to stimulate my mind. Feel like it is going very numb of late. Talking to too many twits on line that only want to talk about the same things. I enjoy talking to people that can give me something to think about. Even if I have no idea what they are on about and I do look stupid.

One thing that we pondered on was if John Edwards (Crossing over with) is real or fake. Reason why we are wondering is because on the tickets it has "For entertainment purposes only". I would like to go but now having second thoughts. Plus with a "cheap" ticket can pretty much bet your weeks wages that you won't get a reading. Think I would rather wait and go and see Wiggles. For the price it would cost me to go to John Edwards can take Angel and I to see Wiggles.

It was really sad when we talked about who was the cutiest Wiggle. That is definte sign we have watched it too many times with our kids. lol

Time to attempt to catch up on sleep since only 3 hours last night. Own fault was in real chatty mood. :)

Nite nite

xxxooo

Haha. Sucess. I know I can always rely on one person being a night owl. My old HS buddy. He is awsome. Still manages to pick out my brain. Even over the net.

It is kinda funny the fact that in time we have swapped roles. He was the quiet, always at home one and I was out and about. Now changed.

Guessed he liked being the only male in our group. Apart from if other males joined in that one of us were dating, if they were young enough to go to school. Except for some of the horrid things we used to do to him. He used to get caught in out "perfume" fights, we platted every strain of his hair, and we always went to him for our "man" problems.

He was the only person I could talk to when I had a serious man problem. And it was really good cause he supported me and did not judge me. And tell me it was all my fault. After that I know I can tell him anything.

Lots of people assumed there was more between us, but we were like each others brother and sister. I was the older sister he never had and he was the brother I never had. We still talk about everything today. (am right now). It is always good when you know there is someone out there that you can say anything and they will not judge you or think you are dumb. It is always great to have special people like that in your life. They are very few and far between.

Well at 3am think it is time for bed time.

How rude. 1am and no-one is on line. Bugger bugger bugger.

Got massive headache and huge craving for chocolate. I originally went to bed at 10 but up and about again. That is the only thing I hate about letting emotions go like I did today. Leaves me with very restless sleep.

Thank god that no-one lives with me. hehehe. Person might not be able to put up with all my quirks. He is going to have to be one patient and strong person to put up with my shit. A little training and all will run smooth. hehehe

Well off to play some puter games till I get tired enough to sleep

Keep tight and don't let the bed bugs bite.

Thursday, January 15, 2004

Well another truely exciting day. A day of housework. It needed all to be done. Cleaned up heaps. Got heap more to do but bin is full.

Bit anxous about someone comming over this weekend. Tried to avoid it but no such luck. Ah well look on the positive side, just gets me ready for my house inspection this week.

I moved my old fridge outside and got my mums little one now. One person offered to help but as much as I wanted help I would have been embarrased for that person to see the mess. Me is no Mrs Sparkle. I clean enough so that the house is tidy. Don't go into all the rest of the stuff.

Plus moving the fridge was a good way of venting out some anger I have about myself. Family and ex knew if I started moving furnture, going nuts in the garden, or going nuts at housework ment something was up and at the end I would be good. They would not know why. But they would just leave me to it. Mum once said that she would delibratly pick arguments with me sometimes if she needed some gardening done. I hope she ment that as a joke.

It kinda makes it hard sometimes. Because I go into these little frenzys to manage my own anger and other emotions, it upsets others. But the way I see it would upset people more if I spoke up about what is going on in the twisted little head. I could scream, rant, rave and throw things at people. But I figure used my annoyance and anger to something more positive.

Used to scare my ex heaps. He knew when he, someone else or myself had annoyed me cause he would leave the house and it would be one way and by the time he got home I would have rearranged all the furnture. Sometimes it would be better set up othertimes not so good. But strangly he never said anything.

This is one quirk I don't think next person (poor bastard) is going to cope with much. But it is just the way I am. I can't change who I am. I may modify, but not change.

Time for me to chill out and have shower.

ttfn

Wednesday, January 14, 2004

Don't you wish sometimes that people would just butt out and leave you alone to make your own choices in life. I know some people are trying to do the right thing, but sometimes not.

You know when your emotions tell you one thing, your mind says another, and your instincts tell you another. It does not help when people are trying to pull you in different directions on what choices you should and can make.

So far the instincts have been right so I am going to go with that.

Sorry nothing highly intelligent here. Only bit of news was my fridge died yesterday and I start working 1 day a week on Tuesday. I know to some that is bugger all, but for someone that has been out of work for nearly 4 years this is a great start.

ttfn

xxxooo

Monday, January 12, 2004

Started the day off on a little high today. I was doing a thing for my mum today and bumped into someone that I had not seen in over 3 years. Not that I like this person cause if you say the slightest thing wrong he will put a knife in you. He has done this twice and has gotten off with it because he is a few chops short of a bbq.

Anyway speaking to him he told me some stuff that was funny to me. My ex has not moved on very far in life. He is back living in the same place that we started living in many years ago. He totalled his car and had to go home to mummy and daddy to tell them he totalled the car that they had given him. They gave him heaps of money from when he cooked the engine to when he destroyed the front end of it. All up Daddy and Mummy have givenhim over $6000 to fix the car. And now he has kid number 3 on the way and since she has moved to Qld guess that is another that he will not be seeing.

I knew that one was on the cards cause she was baiting for him to have a kid with her when ex and I were together. And they fooled around behind my back. So it was just a matter of time.

He is basically back at the same place when we first started living together. Just the clothes that he owns and renting the same bedroom.

I know in the last few days that I have been very agressive, even in my words. And I know that there is a few people that I have annoyed. Hey I am sorry and I will keep mouth shut or not go on this when that annoyed. Think it is best that way.

I sat up till 3am this morning writing all of the thoughts going through this little pea brain. So now writing what I am really thinking and feeling in my book again as not to get anyone upset or stop people thinking I am having personal attacks on them.

Well time to do some self teaching as I know the person that is ment to be teaching me some of this stuff is highly unreliable.

ttfn

xxxooo

Sunday, January 11, 2004

Today I found myself doing something that one person did to me. Taking the risk and being brutly honest with a friend. The only difference being is the person who said it to me many years ago said they were not going to stand by me, but I will stand by my friend through thick and thin.

I met this friend a while ago. Back then this friend was happy, full of life, always smiling, had world at their feet. Just loved life in general. Over the time I have watched this person go down hill. It is very heart breaking to watch. I know this friend has a lot of excellent qualities and can do anything this person puts thier mind to. When this person used to smile they used to get this sparkle like thing in their eyes. If you were feeling a little blue, this person could cheer you up just so easliy. I have watched the sparkle go.

I know that there is a fuckwit that is behind off of my friends trouble. The fuckwit drags my friend down, uses them and makes life hard in general. And this was no more obvious than last nights events. Something that was said was blown out of proportion on both sides and tempers erupted. And when things had settled who was behind it all. The fuckwit. I knew the fuckwit was behind the attack from friend from past conversations that friend and I had had about this issue. That is what gave me the clue the fuckwit was behind it all.

A person once said that it was hard to watch me go downhill and that person was not going to stick around to watch. I blew it off at the time and told this person they were just jealous cause they did not have what I had. But now I wished I had listened. But then if that person was a true friend would have stuck around no matter what. Even though it is hard to watch this for my friend I will be there and shut my mouth.

I know that my friend will rise above all of this once the fuckwit leaves them alone. My friend will rise above and beyond thier full potiental. This friend is one in a million type of person.

So if you have a friend like mine, be brutal even if it is a risk to the friendship. They may thank you one day or remeber your words and do the same to someone else.

xxxxooooo

Hugs and kisses to all my special friends. You know who you are.

I have a big apology to make to one person. As most can tell I was really angry about something. And stupid me directed my anger at the wrong person. And for that I am sorry.

I slipped back into a bad habbit I tried so hard to fight and last night something triggered it off. If one thing that will trigger that is seeing people I care about upset or another emotion. The bad habbit is the overprotective habbit, or as my family call it the mother mode.

I wish I could say more, but we really don't have the freedom of speech. Otherwise I would be saying what I really think and feel. But I know that some fuckwit out there will take it personal.

Saturday, January 10, 2004

Why the fuck do we bother?? We try to be the best we can and what is the point? There is no point really because eventally you are just put in the same box as everyone else.

I try my hardest not to place people in the same box as my shitty choices in life. I put a lot of fears, and a lot of other emotions aside to make sure that people are not put in the same box as my past screw ups. But what is the point when someone does the same to you?

Friday, January 09, 2004

Well another truely boring day, followed by boring night. Made it fun with a few drinkies and all good.

Time to attempt to break this cycle. Not sure how. But I will. Too many nights in front of puter drinking can not be good. Takes the mind off stuff though. That is the only bonus. Other times not so good. If a person gets me to a certain point and they start the right sort of topic I will spill the beans on stuff. That is why sometimes I enjoy just drinking on my own cause no-one can push buttons.

As much as I love a drinking buddy sometimes it is best not to. Last time I got to that point was NYE. Sister pushed a few buttons, a few too many. Because I got to that point it made me feel miserable the next day but made me relise a few things I need to change. Which is what I as trying so hard to do. Just hope I don't fail it like I do most things in life.

Send someone to love me
I need to rest in arms
Keep me safe from harm
In pouring rain

Give me endless summer
Lord I fear the cold
Feel I'm getting old
Before my time

As my soul heals the shame
I will grow through this pain
Lord I'm doing all I can
To be a better man

Go easy on my conscience
'Cause it's not my fault
I know I've been taught
To take the blame

Rest assured my angels
Will catch my tears
Walk me out of here
I'm in pain

As my soul heals the shame
I will grow through this pain
Lord I'm doing all I can
To be a better man

Once you've found that lover
You're homeward bound
Love is all around
Love is all around

I know some have fallen
On stony ground
But Love is all around

Send someone to love me
I need to rest in arms
Keep me safe from harm
In pouring rain

Give me endless summer
Lord I fear the cold
Feel I'm getting old
Before my time

As my soul heals the shame
I will grow through this pain
Lord I'm doin' all I can
To be a better man

Think this explains my type of mood at moment. The arms thing is the best part. I like to snuggle with someone and feel safe and secure. Not just because I have a man around or the fact if I get into trouble he can do something about it, it goes deeper than that. Sometimes I have horrid nightmares and the safe secure part is when I know that person is in my dreams saying that everything is going to be ok or you can fight this. Also helps to stop some of other fears and insercurities that I have. Althought I hide most of them well, some people have been able to work them out.

One little chatter I had tonight was what makes a strong person? This person thought that I was a strong person because I can do stuff on my own, I live alone, don't put up with too much crap from people and quiet happy on my own. Ah this person's theory all outta wack.

I do stuff on my own because I have to. If I don't do it no-one else will. It takes a stronger person to live with someone than it does to live alone. And although I don't put up with too much crap from people some of it does get to me. And I hate being on my own. I miss the company. Just knowing that someone is in the house, someone to talk to face to face.

As stupid as it sounds I get really excitied when I have visitors. I clean the house, clean me up, clean Angel up (if he is up and around) and do my best to have stuff here to eat and drink. I used to have visitors all the time even though I knew they weren't really true friends. That was were I would stuff up and have people over just for sex. For me it was company even if just for 1 hour.

It used to upset me that they did not stay. I asked one guy why he did not and the list of reason just kept growing. Every time I got rid of one reason another would crop up.
1. Not comfy pillows - So I went out a bought some more.
2. Did not trust his car where it was - So would open gates so he could park out back.
3. Bed made too much noise - Saved up and got another
4. Prefered his own bed - gave up on that one
5. Didn't want my neighbours to know who he was or what he looked like - Made times so he could come around when dark and had outside light off
6. Took longer to get home in the mornings because of traffic - I gave him petrol money
7. Could not stand little kids - Kinda ironic since he was father of 5 and had one same age as my Angel. Threw hands up and gave up after that.

He said that I would never get another bed and never do anything without a man's help. I had no contact from him and I started seeing someone else. Got his nose out of place with that one. So one night he was on line and I had been drinking again. Got him to come down and prooved to him that I got my new bed without any man's money. He wanted to "cristen" it and I threw him out.

After all of his bullshit I am used to people not staying. Sometimes it still bothers me a little. But not as much as it used to. I have excepted this is the way of life now. Not going to the lengths I did last time. Just a little worried sometimes that I will get too used to it.

So I figure I am just as weak as everyone else, just I know how to hide the bulk of it. It is only the people that really know me that know all my weakness. Just very careful who does know cause there are twits out there that will use it against me. Some have tried and did not get a very good recieption from it. Got told in no uncertian terms where they could go.

November Rain

When I look into your eyes
I can see a love restrained
But darlin' when I hold you
Don't you know I feel the same

'Cause nothin' lasts forever
And we both know hearts can change
And it's hard to hold a candle
In the cold November rain

We've been through this auch a long long time
Just tryin' to kill the pain

But lovers always come and lovers always go
An no one's really sure who's lettin' go today
Walking away

If we could take the time
to lay it on the line
I could rest my head
Just knowin' that you were mine
All mine
So if you want to love me
then darlin' don't refrain
Or I'll just end up walkin'
In the cold November rain

Do you need some time...on your own
Do you need some time...all alone
Everybody needs some time...
on their own
Don't you know you need some time...all alone

I know it's hard to keep an open heart
When even friends seem out to harm you
But if you could heal a broken heart
Wouldn't time be out to charm you

Sometimes I need some time...on my
own
Sometimes I need some time...all alone
Everybody needs some time...
on their own
Don't you know you need some time...all alone

And when your fears subside
And shadows still remain
I know that you can love me
When there's no one left to blame
So never mind the darkness
We still can find a way
'Cause nothin' lasts forever
Even cold November rain

Don't ya think that you need somebody
Don't ya think that you need someone
Everybody needs somebody
You're not the only one
You're not the only one

My most fav song of all time. Not many songs can bring a little tear to the eye, but this one did.

Nothing Else Matters

So close no matter how far
couldn't be much more from the heart
forever trusting who we are
and nothing else matters

never opened myself this way
life is ours, we live it our way
all these words I don't just say
and nothing else matters

trust I seek and I find in you
every day for us something new
open mind for a different view
and nothing else matters

never cared for what they do
never cared for what they know
but I know

so close no matter how far
couldn't be much more from the heart
forever trusting who we are
and nothing else matters

never cared for what they do
never cared for what they know
but I know

never opened myself this way
life is ours, we live it our way
all these words I don't just say

trust I seek and I find in you
every day for us something new
open mind for a different view
and nothing else matters

never cared for what they say
never cared for games they play
never cared for what they do
never cared for what they know
and I know

so close no matter how far
couldn't be much more from the heart
forever trusting who we are
no nothing else matters

Bounce

I been knocked down so many times
Counted out 6, 7, 8, 9
Written off like some bad deal
If you’re breathing you know how it feels
Call it karma, call it luck
Me, I just don’t give a

[chorus:]
Bounce, bounce nothing’s gonna keep me down
Bounce, bounce stand up, shout it out
Bounce, bounce I play hard, I play to win
Count me out, count me in
I’ll be bouncing back again

This ain’t no game; I play it hard
Kicked around, cut, stitched and scarred
I’ll take the hit but not the fall
I know no fear, still standing tall
You can call it karma, call it luck
Me, I just don’t give a

[chorus:]
Bounce, bounce nothing’s gonna keep me down
Bounce, bounce stand up, shout it out
Bounce, bounce I play hard, I play to win
Count me out, count me in
I’ll be bouncing back again

Bounce!

[guitar solo]

Bring it on, I like it rough
In your face, I call your bluff
It ain’t karma, it ain’t luck
Me, I just don’t give a

[chorus:]
Bounce, bounce nothing’s gonna keep me down
Bounce, bounce stand up, shout it out
Bounce, bounce I play hard, I play to win
Count me out, count me in
I’ll be bouncing back again

Bounce, bounce
Nothing’s gonna keep me down
Bounce, bounce stand up, shout it out
Bounce, bounce I play hard, I play to win
Count me out, count me in
I’ll be bouncing back again

Two songs I play when in a pissed off mood and always makes me feel better, :)

Anyhoos enough dribble from me. Time for sleepies

xxxooo

Here you go. Since Danny was on about drivers check this one out.

Drunk driver wrecks 11 parked cars
From correspondents in London
January 7, 2004

FEAR neighbours might damage his precious Range Rover overnight prompted the vehicle's owner to move it while three times over the alcohol limit, but instead he rammed it into a total of 11 cars, Britain's Daily Telegraph reported today.

Leslie Arliss, 39, told a court in Bradford, Yorkshire he had knocked his large and powerful automatic vehicle into reverse while reaching for a music casette, slamming into the cars parked behind him.

He had then panicked and his foot became wedged between the accelerator and the brake, sending the four-litre Range Rover surging forward into the cars in front, Arliss said.

Police called to the dead-end street, found one car on its roof.

Total damage was estimated at 137,000 pounds ($A312,256.05). At least two vehicles were insurance write-offs.

Arliss, an unemployed man receiving state disability benefits, admitted being drunk and driving without due care. The court imposed an immediate interim driving ban pending sentence and warned Arliss he could be sent to prison.

Nothing to exciting happened yesterday. Just did the usual Thursday stuff. Got up and paid some bills and cleaned up a little.

Went out with my mum for a while. We were in Spotlight and Angel was running around. Just as we were about to leave he tripped up and hit his face into metal shelving. Got a nice cut just beside his mouth. (Good thing I wore red. lol) With his screaming and bleeding everywhere all the people at spotlight could offer me was 2 tissues. Very slack of them. Could have at least offered a few more.

Knew he was feeling better later in the day when he ate Twisities. If he knocks them back there is a bit of a problem. He is a bit sore today still. Glad it was not just that little bit deeper.

Spent last night on line stiring people up. Was chatting to a friend last night when my so called internet sex master came on. I love stiring her up. We stired her up to the point that she thinks I have 4 men on thr trot and they all come around at once and I do as they tell me to. I am sex slave with all of them. Asked her if she wanted to join in and be my 5th master and boom boom jumped off line. Deeply suspect she is a he playing funny buggers. That is why I stir her up so much. And since I talk to a lot of people on line easy to ask them if they want to join in on the fun. She tries very hard to shock them. But most of them are just laughing at her. I know as soon as I add one person to the conversation she is gone within minutes.

There is another girl and we are both ment to be her slaves. But we both add men into the mix and she does not like that. Although the other girl has not aded her "friend" into the mix when I am and someone else is on for the simple fact that my "friend" had a slight go at her "friend".

Have not spoken to her much. Not a real lost there. All she does is talk about how much she loves this guy who only wants her for casual sex. He is a slim anyway. And last time I spoke to her he had not talked to her for 3 weeks since thier last sex session. Asked her if she would go running to his house if he called and said come over and she said yes. Idiot. He has told her many times that he is not interested in a relationship at all. He just wants to play around. Guess some woman thicker than others. With woman out there like that, no wonder men think woman are dumb.

It is amazing the fruit loops that you can come across on the net. I have a little fun on the net with guys. Do a little "naughty" talk with them, and have a good laugh. (works way better after I have had a few to drink). Always thought they were doing the same. One person was not as he hooked up his web cam and showed me he was doing what I said. My first ever web cam experince was watching a guy wank himself over what I was typing. Had to laugh.

Time to start the day and do something. Dunno what as yet. Staying away from shops. lol

See you all in a few hours if anything fun happens for the day.

xxxooo

Wednesday, January 07, 2004

Today was a good day. Prob a bit over happy but hey. Got to spend time with two of my closes friends and other things are panning out well.

The only bad points for the day was the weather. Got to get my licence so not caught in the rain again. Three times in two days not happy Jan. And the other was my mum's dog will have to be put down. But all in all it was a good day.

Had sort of a good night sleep clearing my little head. Decided to tell a friend about stuff and ignore the negative comments made by someone else yesterday. Telling just about everyone that is negative to take a flying leap. I want to move ahead in life this year and with these negative people around they will only try and bring me down. I want positive things to happen this year. Get out of the rut from last year. Can not get to my major goals and some of the smaller ones if people are just going to say I can't cause.....

Only bad part was some how managed to fall out of bed on the wrong side. Gawd and the scary thing was I was sober. Last time I did that was when I was major drunk and I was still awake. lol Only bonus about this time was not onto concret.

Well once again time to watch Wiggles and go and relax for a while. And again get told off by Angel for singing along to Wiggles. hehehe

Nite nite all

xxxooo

Tuesday, January 06, 2004

It is funny how you think you know someone and you find out you really know jack about them.

Still in a little shock over this one. Not sure if it is the shock of the balls this person has for doing what they do or the shock of the stupidy of the others involved. I caught on to some things that were going on, but not the major stuff. Wish I could say more, but if the wrong people read this I could be in deep shit or asked a lot of questions.

One person was acting very odd today. There is a chance that I could work for someone. And the other person was very odd about it. Kept comming up with excuses why I could not take the job. Was not happy when I squished the excuses. Then after I had coffee with someone this person kinda changed his tune a little. Was saying some very odd things and almost trying to sell me someone. Trying to tell me things about someone that I already knew.Then mapped out this person's future with me. Think other person may have other plans in life. Was really weird behaviour from this person. Soon after that would go back onto the attack. Then would ask me questions about my ex and my Angel. Might be reading something outta wack with it all, but person was acting very odd.

Head tonight is full of so much mixed up stuff. Not even my mum could make sence of the days events. I can make sence of some of the stuff, but not all of it. Even chatting to someone that knows this person can not make sence of it.

Hate it when people leave me confused. But going to have a shower, lay in bed and have a little think. Going to go on my instincts with this one. My instincts have worked when I was confused a while ago.

Keep the net on so no-one can ring me, turn mobile down so can just lay in the dark with a cd on. Just veg out.

Nite nite all

xxxooo

Monday, January 05, 2004

What can I say about Pirates of the Carrabine. Only that best I have seen Johnny Depp as a skelton. lol. The stroy line was weak and eh. Glad did not pay to see that one.

Today was a nice sociable day. I like my days like that. Has become a regular thing now that I have lunch with a friend 3 days a week. And our usual morning cuppa. It is always nice to talk to people that don't want to talk about just kids or just sex (or lack of). Something to stimulate the mind a little. And to feel valuable as a person. We talk anything from superficial stuff to deep stuff. It is nice being able to talk to another female that does not spend all of her time bitching about men.

I did the horrid mistake of joining a playgroup 2 years ago and running it last year. What a drain that was. It was only a meet up of mothers and kids for 2 hours a week. But every time I left there I felt like the biggest failure out. All they did was bitched about thier husbands and their kids. Then would tern around and tell me I was a bad mother for what ever reason. Did not breast feed, didn't have a man around, did not rely on a man to do everything, was a hitler mother because I believe in manners and rules and the list just went on. I could not do that much right. But sometimes they would do a back flip and say I was better than the last co-ordintor and bitched about her. They did not like my theory of "got a problem with her take it up with her, not me". It was strange to see how these woman ticked. condemed me for everything I did or tried to do, but did not see what they were doing was wrong. Like smoking dope in frount of thier kids, having sex while the kids were in the bed asleep, restricting what they ate because that is the way they lived, and forcing their kids on diets. How nuts is that. One person said that she was going to take self defence classes just to protect herself against her kids cause they are rough.

I am not a perfect mother, no-one is. But you don't go around critising what others do in their own home, unless the child is in danger. I would have been a worse mother watching my Angel being hurt and scared rather than saying "out" to the person that was hurting him.

One so called friend told me once that I should accept any man I get cause decent men don't stay with single mothers. I guess that was fine for her. But I still have my child, she does not. She lost custody of her child. She was told to choose between her child and her boyfriend from welfare. She chose her boyfriend all because she did not want to be alone.

Yes I am alone, but it is not always a bad thing. It gets lonely when Angel goes to bed and sometimes would be nice to have someone take up some of the slack so I can have a little break. But I know that I will not be alone for ever. But not going to just get any man for the sake of company. Not just my life I have to think of. I get alot of joy from my Angel and one day I know I will share that with someone. If anything being alone at the moment makes me a stronger person (at times).

I have been able to work through a lot of stuff that brought me down. I used to be very angry and depressed about how things worked out between my ex and I and what he says to other people about me these days. But having not seen him since Feb last year has been great. I have worked out of few issues with my Angel so he is back to being a joyful happy child and worked out a few things with me. Still a few little things to work out, but just about all fixed up.

It does not effect me anymore when I hear about what he does and says. When it is all said and done he is the one that misses out on stuff. He now has two kids that he does not see at all and that he will never know. I feel nothing for him. Not pity, anger and anything. If I feel anything for him that means he has control over me. And that means that I can not go into another relationship with that "baggage". Although if he does anything to hurt my Angel I will hurt him. He thinks that he has won the battle with not supporting my Angel or seeing him. But really who is the loser.

I can look foward to a life of joy, tears, worry and happiness. I will see his first partner (being politically correct), I may see grandkids, wedding, all sorts of good stuff. I am not the one that is going to be sitting alone going what if I had...... He may think he has weakened me, but only made me a stronger person. And made me more determind about what I want out of life. He did me some huge favours. Guess I should thank the rodent when I see him. Not likely cause not planning on seeing him at all. lol

Enough dribble from me

Nite nite all

xxxooo

Sunday, January 04, 2004

It was a pity that Steve Waugh only got 40 runs. Would have been good to see him go out on something respectable. Only watched the cricket today to see S. W.

I don't mind a little cricket as long as it does not rule my household again. But can make some very interesting drinking games out of cricket. lol. When a friend and I were scoring a game we made interesting drinking games to make it more interesting. Depending on how the game was going onthe field depended on the drinking game. We did that for both indoor and outdoor cricket. They were kinda fun times. Lots of lack of sleep on weekends and recovery day was Sundays. Sleep day and dry out day. Except if the team was in semi or grand final. Only bunch of people I knew that could tern playstation game of cricket into strip cricket. lol

Could not believe that last night I could actually educate a male on the rules and abrivations of cricket. That was scary. Better call Fox and Scully for a case of a x-file. lol

Thank god today was cooler. We walked up the shop in the rain cause it felt so good. Actualy did some contructive stuff around the house for a change.

Friend offered me spare parts for my lawn mower so just about fixed that so not soo tempremental. Knew there was catch 22 with him comming down. Trying to set me up with someone. He is having singles party at his place on the weekend. Then was the debate which was easier. Single woman with kids or single dad with kids in finding a partner. He tried to tell me dad thing and I said it is hard on both sides. Which is true. Anyone with kids finding a partner it is hard. Just shifts out the twits from the real people quiet easily.

Just about fell off chair with shock last night when guy was saying that he leaves his 2 kids at home alone quiet often to go and have sex with someone. His kids are 7 and 11. No wonder he only gets his kids once a year.

There are some crazy people out there. Hope someone shoots me if I ever do that. But I doubt it. I am a smothering mother so no chance of that.

Since my Angel is alseep time for relax. Shower, lights off, pillow out, lay on couch and watch dvd again. Go and watch Pirates of the Caribbean. Only one thing missing, but hey. lol

Nite nite all

xxoo

Saturday, January 03, 2004

With 39.6 degrees today way too hot to do anything. Thank god for cold showers.

Had a socialble day though. My sister and my mum dropped in. Sis dropped of the last of Angle's Xmas pressys. He loves his blackboard and drawing everywhere, and on everyone. lol

She did my tarot cards and four times came up with the same stuff. I need to communicate more. Hey I communicate fairly well, but I know that is not what she means. The deep stuff that very few people know about. As the cards said time to drop the barriers. Also said that there was going to be some major change and happening at fast pace. Hey I like the sounds of that. Also came up with someone I know. But it is good stuff for that person too. So happy about that. It was a good four readings and a little bit of eye opener. Didn't really tell me anything I did not know, except for the "warning" card. But I kinda already suspected that warning card and am in the process of making sure the card does not come true.

The aims for this year are:
1. More personal growth
2. Get more debt free
3. Get a job
4. Move outta this house
5. Loose more weight
6. Give up the cancer sticks

Think that should keep me out of a little mischief. Still deciding whether to move house or state. See what happens next few months. Part of me wants to stay, but another part doesn't.

If the laws on custody and stuff change and I have hassles then the decision will be out of my hands. I will do the bolt out of the state to protect my Angel from getting hurt again. I have spoken with 3 people so I have a choice of states. I know it is wrong in some respects to do the bolt. But a mother has to do what is best for her kid. I have no hope in hell against the justice system cause I have no money. They do. Money talks in the justice system.

I know that it may upset a couple of people if I have to do the bolt but I also know that they will understand. Most either have kids or know the change in my Angel. One friend said that she would lend me the money to go to any state or if I choose her state would put us up for a while even though she is not a kid person. I spoke to a few here in this state and they also said that they would "hide" Angel and I if it came to that. Would only come to that if Daddy starts pissing in ex's ear. I doubt it will come to that, but does not hurt to be on guard.

Time to sign off for the night and dream of the beach coolness. hmmmmmm

xxxooo

Friday, January 02, 2004

Well another exciting day. Didn't do much. Too hot to.

Mum came around and gave me my birthday pressy. Think my family are trying to tell me to get out more. lol

So far so good. Two out of 3 hard critics like my hair. Most people have said they do so far. Few more to go, but hey who cares. Part of my pressy was hair dye so coloured it today too.

Hard to laugh this morning. Saw my stars and it said that it was good for romance and shit for money. But next year the other way around. grrrr. Ahh more casual sex comming up this year then. lol and still lack of monies. dam.

Finally had a night of doing what I have been meaning to do for a bit. A nice glass of drink, pillow on couch, lights off and watched dvd. Tonight was Minority Report.

Bit slow in some parts but got better towards the end. A bit predicable. Tom Cruise always has to save the day. One annoying short man. Must be something with us short people. Like little dogs. Always there at your ankles till you feed us a bone. Then we go away happy for a little bit.

Anyhoos off for an early one tonight. Anything before midnight is early.

Give someone a cuddle for no reason.

xxxooo

Thursday, January 01, 2004

Are we all over our hangovers and lackof sleep yet people. lol

Was just about ready to throw mobile outside. Did not stop beeping till 3.30am. Did not help my sleep thing. But could not be rude to people either. I ended up ignoring them after 3am then tried to figure out what they were saying in thier pissed state. It was fun little task. hehehe. Think got most of them worked out.

Today was nice quiet day. Caught up on sleep. Chatted to family and that was about it. No-one has been on line. Boring. lol

Funny how people can think alike sometimes. Not that handy in my case. Two people in two different days at me about my so called committment problem. What just because I have never gotten married I have commitment problem. grrrr. I was asked the question twice and said no both times. For the simple fact the spark that I need was not there. If someone is serious about it I need to be able to look into thier eyes and feel that "spark". Hard to expain. Sure ok to feel loving feeling when they ask, but needs to be someone you know that you can spend many years with. And if I look at them and can not see myself doing that well the answer is no. Was a good thing I said no to both cause one is gay now and the other had some "holiday time".
When I was younger I dreamed of getting married, having the house, the car, the job, traveling and then the kids. But sometimes life gets in the way of dreams. I remeber one person saying to me that dreams were useless. I guess for her they were cause she was found dead by the time she was 21.
My dreams have changed slightly since then. Amazing what 11 years can do. My dreams now are just to have someone long term, have another child and be a happy family. The rest will come later. "The poor man is not the one without a cent, but the one without a dream."
Reality is that I date older people and most of those people have been there done that with the marriage thing. Most don't want to do that again. So I know I am asking a lot to get the long term thing and for some of them to start again with having another child. For me that would show more commitment and love than a piece of jewllery and a signed piece of paper.
I am not saying that I am not open to the idea of someone asking. But it is not a major part of life for me anymore.
Does this truely mean I am commitment scared?? I think not.
Someone said that I was not allowed to get married before her. She said this last year. I told her to go for it if she felt that it was the right thing to do. Now she is having different thoughts after moving in with the person.
A friend of mine does my cards every now and then. I find it a bit amuzing. When I say to her that I am meeting or seeing a new person she likes to do my cards. Everytime she says I am going to marry that person. Kinda funny cause not long after that things go sour and they are gone.
I now call her the kiss of death of my relationships. She is one and the other is my mum. When she likes a guy they run. So combine the both is assured KOD. lol. It is funny cause I tell them one or the other and watch the dust trail behind them. Usually just telll them mum likes them. My friend's hubby said that I would be living with someone within a year. Had to laugh at that one. Could only reply the first part is getting them stay the night.
Used to bother me at the start when people did that. Used to think there was something wrong with me. Was I that bad a person to not even snuggle with. Now it does not bother me that much. The only thing that does is that I will get used to it and get too much into my routne that it will be hard to break.
Used to joke around with one of my on-line friends on how long they will stay. The shortest one I had was 35 mins. Even she was shocked at that one. I would say to her that J had shown up and she would say see you back in 1 hour. Sure as eggs was back on line in about 1 hour. I know that sounds mean, but that is what happened. Just ment I could go back to what I was doing. That is what I am scared of a little. Is this is what life has installed for me? Got to be more to life that.

Tell someone today that you care out of the blue. For no reason. You will add joy to someone somewhere.

xxxooo

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YOU ALL.

Lots of cuddles and kidsses to you all

Love me and Angel
xxxooo